


our souls at night

by misswongs



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997), Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)
Genre: Angst, Canon - Original Game, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Romance, i made them f u c k, just because i can
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:54:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26587708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misswongs/pseuds/misswongs
Summary: He’s gone. And yet, sometimes,all of the time…Her insides beg for surrender, trying and searching and hoping and waiting — It doesn’t mean anything anymore. He’sgone,whether be forever or a few seconds or three days, he’s gone, and dwelling too much on it makes her want to be gone too, so she lies to herself over and over again.Gotta look forward, not back.Zack is gone. And yet.Her nights are full of him.
Relationships: Zack Fair/Aerith Gainsborough
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	our souls at night

**Author's Note:**

> i've been writing this fic since april and i finally got the chance to finish it *SIGH*
> 
> i wanted to explore the grieving process of Aerith, even if she at some point decided to move on, it wasn't always like that. I hope it isn't too angsty, i get the feeling i ended up making it look too melodramatic lmfao but i just really love angst
> 
> i hope you enjoy this lil thing, give kudos & reviews and follow me on twitter, @ladywongs!

* * *

_«i shout really loud, but i can't reach you,_  
_this world is too big for someone like me_  
_i'm always here alone_  
_i'm just hoping that my night will be warm again»_  
**—our souls at night, sondia.**

* * *

He’s gone.

And yet, sometimes, _all of the time_ …

Her insides beg for surrender, trying and searching and hoping and waiting —

It doesn’t mean anything anymore. He’s _gone_ , whether be forever or a few seconds or three days, he’s _gone_ , and dwelling too much on it makes her want to be gone too, so she lies to herself over and over again.

_Gotta look forward, not back._

Zack is gone.

And yet.

Her nights are full of him.

Aerith calls out his name, her throat bleeding by the force of her yelling, he doesn’t seem to hear her, he’s wandering around and pretending she’s not there. Her words don’t reach him, they never do. Every night Aerith wakes up empty and face soaking-wet, hands gripping the sheets until her knuckles become pale as her features.

She never goes back to sleep after that. She doesn’t think she can anymore, learn how to sleep again. And every morning when she arrives at the kitchen to make herself a warm cup of tea, and her mother notices the bags under her eyes, Aerith realizes no matter what she does, she can’t fake it.

“Did you spend the night awake again?” 

Aerith puts the teabag in the cup, the smile never leaving her face.  
“I didn’t mean to, but I got hooked with this amazing book and couldn’t drop it at all, it’s about a girl who — “

“He’s not coming back, Aerith.”

She’s glad her mother stands behind her, so she won’t see the way her smile fades away. Her fingers grip the cup more firmly, her skin is burning, the sun coming through the windows blinding her sight, her senses, everything around her. But she’s an expert, lifting her gaze and putting up a beautiful smile, the kind of smiles Zack liked so much, and her eyes are shining but not from happiness. Her mother stands quietly, looking at Aerith as if she’s a sick person.

There’s a moment of silence, a moment where Elmyra wonders how is she able to smile when she knows she’s breaking. She’s strong, her daughter, perhaps too strong for her own good. Her strength will be her downfall, she knows that, and yet —

“I know,” it’s her answer, as cruel and raw as it sounds, and Aertih leans to kiss her mother’s cheek. “I’m going to check on the flowers.”

Aerith leaves the house behind and, sometimes, she wishes she could leave everything too.

**—o—**

The streets of Sector 5 spread life into every direction of Midgar. Sometimes, Aerith wonders if the Planet is lending them some of its strength, whatever is left of it. The people look happy, content, peaceful. The news of reactors blowing up and terrorists planning to ruin the world doesn’t seem to bother them that much, they acknowledge the danger but move on the next day, welcoming the sun with a bright smile and a future full of promises.

Is she able to blend in? Does she look happy, content, and peaceful too? She tries hard, too hard, to move forward and wait for things to get better, but every corner of Sector 5 reminds her of him. The markets, the orphanage, the streets, the moments when he was unable to say goodbye. 

He always had a hard time saying goodbye.

.

.

.

If Sector 5 was a canvas, every square inch of it would be painted over with Aerith Gainsborough. 

Zack never really had paid any attention to the sector before, hell, he didn’t even have set foot in it until he met her. But, somehow, it was as if the town itself was made out of her heart’s very core, beating life in every hidden corner.

He could see her in the painted colors of the residences, the kindness of the villagers that so strongly matched hers, he could hear her laughter in the kids from the orphanage, smell her in the markets that opened their doors very early in the morning just like she opened her eyes as soon as the sun made his first appearance. Walking through Sector 5 felt like stepping into her heart, the center of it all.

And if he wanted to win her heart for real, spending time here was more than a simple necessity.

And Zack Fair found that he really liked it here. In fact, he loved it, as much as he loved her. As a country boy, cities weren’t his cup of tea. Cities were sad. But all cities were sad. However, Sector 5 was different, or maybe he was different. Maybe he’d changed. Yeah, it was definitely him. He could easily picture himself here on a daily basis, doing more than just visiting Aerith. Living, maybe? One day, in a house filled with her flowers. Or a shop, yeah, maybe a flower shop, he could work on a good nice wooden sign to hang on the door and catch the customer's attention.

**“ZACK AND AERITH’S FLOWER SHOP”**  
**“Get your flowers once and _flor-al!”_**

A stupid smirk flashes out over his lips. If only his parents knew what he was thinking of right now, they would probably pass out in shock. Zack Fair thinking of a future with a woman? Zack Fair… settling down? Yeah, right. Not even Kunsel would believe him. 

“Zack!” her voice calls out from ahead, stopping her stroll and turning around to look at him. “What are you doing? Come on!”

Zack sighs, coming back to reality and lazily tying to keep up with her frantic enthusiasm. The streets of Sector 5 were slowly turning darker as the sun hid behind the steel sky, as Aerith liked to call it. From the distance, he can get a faint glimpse of a sunset, distant clouds turning orange and washing everything in pale pink. If they could only be out there right now… he knows she would love it despite her own doubts. He can make her love it. He knows he can.

“Will you remind me again why are we here, please?” he asks once he’s close enough, convinced that she can hear him.

The streets are crowded and street-lamps quiver like heartbeats ready to die. The smell of freshly baked bread prompts out sighs of pleasure from the people around them, and kids gather in the markets to buy chocobo candy, counting out loud the gill that they're carrying.

Yeah, he can definitely see himself in here. 

Aerith’s voice forces him to lose his train of thought, as it usually does. She keeps walking ahead of him, almost dancing with every step she takes, her long dress and braid waving with the pacing she’s leading. 

“I already told you,” she begins, peering over her shoulder. “I still don’t like the wagon you gave me, it’s quite ugly. So we’re gonna shop some things to make it look pretty.”

He can’t help the laugh that escapes out of his lips, boisterous and vibrant, making everyone around them fix their eyes on him. Zack shakes his head in pure disbelief. This girl will be the death of him.

“You’re brutally honest, did you know that?”

Aerith shrugs delicately, resuming her walk.

“I’m just trying to teach you how to satisfy a lady.”

His heart jumps out like a bitch. Shit, this girl will _certainly_ be the death of him. Zack delivers a cocky smile, but she doesn’t turn around this time.

“Believe me, I know how to satisfy a lady.”

Her chuckle sways with the wind, fluttering his heart and prickling at his skin.

“Oh, I’m sure you do.” 

Is she even real? 

Zack picks up his pace to catch up with her, lazily wrapping his arm around her shoulders. Despite her easy and flirtatious demeanor, her body is unable to resist the chemical reaction that flows between them whenever he touches her, whenever his fingers find hers over a field of flowers or push her bangs away from her face, always catching her off guard. He feels the shiver running down her shoulders, the way she inhales a big chunk of air and exhales softly. The girl’s crazy about him, he knows that, but holding her close feels as dangerous as approaching a wild chocobo. One single wrong move and the bird is gone forever. 

He needs to be smart about it. 

But smart isn’t something he’s particularly good at. 

“So,” he begins, looking around at the markets. “What are we buying, exactly?”

With a little jump, Aerith takes a wrinkled piece of paper out of her pockets and turns around, reading out loud as she walks blindly backward.

“First of all, yellow painting. I want my wagon to be yellow.”

Zack nods, both hands at each side of his hips.

“Alright. What else?”

Her face tilts to once side, like a puppy.

“Some pink ribbons, purple glitter, a couple of brushes, I think that’s all for now.”

His eyes wander around the shops.

“We’ll find all of that stuff in here?”

Aerith smiles, nodding.

“Only if you know where to look. And I know Sector 5 like the palm of my hand,” her hand extends playfully right in front of his eyes, but he catches it halfway through, bending to kiss her knuckles and he can sense the exact second her lungs are empty of air.

“Lead the way, then.”

.

.

.

“Do I really have to go?”

Aerith laughed, her fingers curling around his, his figure standing outside the church and looking pretty much like many of the kids in the orphanage when they were forced to stop playing and go back inside. 

“Don’t you have a life outside Sector 5? I think you’re spending way too much time here.”

Zack sighed, nodding a few times, the sun hiding from the plate and welcoming the chilly evening. 

“Alright, I get it, you’re kicking me out.”

He gave one step back, but Aerith kept holding onto his hand. 

“Will you come back tomorrow? I want to decorate the wagon with the things we b — “

“Of course,” Zack replied quickly, brushing her bangs away from her face. His fingers lingered in her cheek for a moment, drawing a pattern that sent shivers down her spine. “I’ll be here.”

Aerith wanted to reply something witty, but the feeling of his fingers on her skin was making her dizzy. She nodded softly instead, enchanted by his mako eyes, not wanting his hand to leave her face. 

“I’ll tell my mom to pack me some lunch for tomorrow, so we can share.”

Zack’s lips made this little twitch he did every time she said something that warmed his heart. His eyes softened for a moment, his fingers hiding more of her hair behind her ears.

“Your mother hates me.”

Aerith sighed, not wanting to dwell too much on the topic. She’d been trying so hard to change her mother’s mind about Zack, but nothing she said was good enough for Elmyra to like him.

“He’s a SOLDIER,” she’d said, multiple times. “And we all know what SOLDIER’s do.”

And although Aerith couldn’t really argue with that, she knew Zack was different somehow, just like she knew the voice of the flowers or the smell of the planet’s very core. She just knew. 

“Well, you kinda look like a criminal with that outfit,” she commented, eyeing him up and down. “Carrying that huge sword of yours, you can’t blame her for worrying.”

Zack frowned, feigning 

“H-Hey! I thought the handsome face would compensate the creepy look.”

Aerith chuckled, shrugging.

“I’m not scared of you if that’s what you think. My mom will like you in time, don’t worry about it.” 

“And what about you, flowergirl?” he asked. “Do you like me?”

His fingertips contouring her chin melted against her skin, making Aerith forget Zack’s question and any possible answer she’d planned. She wanted to kiss him, and soon his hand on her face didn’t feel enough. _Liking_ him was just a poorly description of her true feelings, it completely overshadowed her fear of being around someone like him, of what it might imply, of the consequences it might bring.

Zack made her fearless.

Aerith shrugged slightly, bouncing their hands together.

“I’m not sure yet. If you build me the wagon I want tomorrow, maybe I’ll like you a bit more.”

Zack took that as a challenge. 

“Then get yourself ready, tomorrow you’ll have the greatest wagon Midgar has ever seen. Just wait for it.”

“Good.”

“Great.”

And then they were silent.

The sound of their quiet breathing melded with the wind, the rustle of metal echoing from the plates bringing unspeakable peace around them. The streetlights turning one by one now as the night came in, the flicker of them landing on Zack’s face, making him stand out.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” one of them spoke, and Aerith realized it was Zack.

He finalized the sentence with a gentle squeeze on her hand, ready to let it go, but Aerith couldn’t bring herself to say goodbye. She’d spent most of her life saying goodbye to people, watching them leave and return to the planet, never return to _her._ _The future isn’t set in stone_ , her mother used to say, and there was no reason at all to believe the past should repeat itself over and over again. But something deep inside of her told her differently. She knew how things went for someone like her, for someone like Zack. Shinra wanted her, and they could have her anytime they wanted. Living was a matter of life and death, every moment was valuable because every moment could be her last. 

It terrified her, sometimes.

Aerith intensified the grip on his hand, tugging it playfully. She wouldn’t let him know how scared she was. 

“What if I don’t want you to leave?” 

Zack sighed dramatically, loving the attention.

“I know you’re obsessed with me, beautiful, but you gotta learn how to hide it.”

She forced a smile the moment his hand tore away from hers, fingers brushing in the process, leaving a path of emptiness and a tightness in her chest that increased the moment he walked away, still looking at her and yelling out a “don’t miss me too much!” that provoked an urgency within her she’d never felt before. Aerith learned to live each day at a time, making the most out of it. But right now, she couldn’t fathom the idea of letting the day die without Zack here. 

It startled her how strong her feelings for him were.

Aerith rushed towards Zack, adrenaline flowing through every single one of her veins. He turned around at the sound of her steps, slightly confused, even more at the look of her entire face: no smiles, no playful stares, she was dead serious, eyes glistening in the darkness. 

His lips parted, slightly out of breath.

“Aerith — “

His arms held her the moment she reached out to him and sealed his mouth with a fervent kiss, arms anchoring around his neck with a force that nearly broke his back. She tasted like he always thought she would, smelled a million times better now that she was this close, felt light in his arms, so delicate and ephemeral. 

Aerith breathed into his mouth when the touch of his tongue made her legs wobble, her body felt like flying the moment she realized the kiss was too intense and Zack had lifted her from the floor, his arms firmly holding her back and forcing her to find security with her legs wrapped around his waist. They kissed for a long while, gasping and pressing and all the smiles were gone, all the jokes disappeared. It almost felt sad, the urgency with which they held each other. 

They’d never kissed before, even when their eyes would linger on each other’s mouths and he always almost felt at the edge of making the first move. But it was happening, and she’d started it, and he didn’t reject it, and it felt right. It felt right. 

They parted for a second, breathless and intoxicated with each other. Aerith caressed his face, keeping her eyes closed, she could feel him staring at her, sense the worry in his body at the way she had reacted so suddenly. 

“Please, don’t go,” her lips whispered, leaning down to brush them against his and making Zack sigh.

This was unexpected.

Zack breathed out a shaky laugh, but it vanished quickly. Aerith wasn’t laughing, and to be honest, he didn’t want to either. 

“You’re making it… _really_ hard right now to — “

“I don’t want you to leave,” she begged again, clinging to him as her life depended on it. “Please.” 

She wanted him to stay. She wanted him to be here despite having to return home, despite what her mother might think if she didn’t show up for the next couple of hours. She had kissed him, so desperately, so ardently, eyes looking sad and empty, so different from any expression he’d seen in her before. 

Zack hesitated for a moment before pulling her down for another kiss, his steps leading the way back to the church, closing the door behind them.

**—o—**

He’s gone.

There’s a voice inside of her, screaming and scolding and hurting her ears with words she doesn’t want to hear. It’s different from the voices of the planet. They appear in the middle of the night, when she can’t sleep.

_He’s gone._

She hears them in the kitchen, when she’s preparing her lunch and an extra sandwich for Zack just in case he shows up again.

_He will not come. You’re wasting your time._

They linger even in the train station, where she’s sitting with her lunch by her side, her fingers holding a pen and writing letters and keeping her eyes on the train whenever it stops, and a bunch of men shows up but none of them is him.

_He will never read those letters. He’s gone._

He’s gone.

Yet Aerith waited. Every single day, at the station, sitting on the same spot at the same hour. She waited every day for the next four years, a pathetic shell of a woman whose hope was slowly fading away. Aerith wrote her letters and ate her lunch and kept his until it rotted. 

And yet —

She waited.

Every single day, she waited and waited.

“Aerith, dear,” the station guard approaches once again, a kind gesture he’d performed countless of times already. He knows her name, having no one else to talk to while waiting for someone who never returned, both had shared a few conversations over the past few years. “The station will close soon.”

Aerith blinks in the darkness, she can’t even tell how late it is. She looks up at him, processing his words, and nods, rapidly picking up her things.

“O-Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize — “

“It’s alright, dear.”

Her body feels cold. Her nose is red and her lips feel dry and chapped. She grabs her notebook, where her 89 letters are, and looks down at the lunch she’d prepared for Zack, lying on the bench. She never picks it up.

Aerith walks home in silence, the streets dark and empty, and if Sector 5 was a canvas of her heart, she knew she’d see nothing but shadows. The wind picks up when she reaches her house, the lights on. Her mother is sitting on the table in pure silence, and neither look at each other the moment Aerith steps in. There’s a silence that lingers, no words are needed. Aerith doesn’t apologize for being late, and Elmyra doesn’t question her actions. She, more than anyone, understands them. She, too, waited for a man she used to love. 

Aerith walks up the stairs and locks herself in her room. 

He’s gone.

_You have to let him go._

Tears come down her face the moment she realizes she can’t keep running away from it. And there’s no consolation, no light. It’s all silence and the absence of what once was, but it’s not anymore. Just emptiness. Empty eyes, empty hands, empty lungs, empty train stations, all of her soul pumped empty. All of it.

Empty. 


End file.
